Lonely Man of Cake

January 23, 2007

Sharon Awakens

Filed under: General — lonelymanofcake @ 6:28 pm

Well, not really. Sorry if I got your hopes up. But this parody, overheard on the radio, found on the Internet, and translated here for the first time into English, is more prescient than ever, given today’s events in Israel. Enjoy…

SETTING: Tel Hashomer Hospital; A rainy evening.
CHARACTERS: Shmil, Hospital Orderly
G., Security Guard
Ariel Sharon, Himself

Just one orderly, Shmil, got messed over with the rotation and had to spend the night in the room of the sleeping former Prime Minister, Ariel Sharon. Everyone knows that he is no longer the PM; just he doesn’t know. Shmil sits and peels an apple. G., of the Shabak guard detail, sleeps soundly. Suddenly, the instruments and monitors in the room begin beeping, lights begin flashing… The PM wakes up.

“I’ve never slept like that,” he says. “Buddy, get me Adler. I have an idea for a new policy!”

“Good morning, sir,” says Shmil. “How do you feel?”

“Hungry as hell,” answers the PM. “Where am I?”

The security guard continues sleeping while Shmil begins to fill in the PM on what has transpired.

“So you got messed over with watching the PM tonight, eh?”

“I’m sorry to tell you sir, but you’re no longer PM.”

After a few moments of awkward silence, Sharon asks: “Who replaced me?”

Shmil answers, “Ehud Olmert.”

“Olmert? That putz from Jerusalem? What does he know? What if war breaks out, how will he know how to lead the army? Good thing Shaul is still around.”

“Shaul Mofaz is now transportation minister,” notes Shmil.

“So who’s the defense minster?”

“Peretz,” says Shmil.

“That old fart is still alive,” asks Sharon.

“Not Peres; Peretz, Amir Peretz,” mumbles the trembling Shmil.

“What, are they crazy? I close my eyes for a second and you let a union boss take over national security? Not every factory in Dimona is the same; does he know that? Listen, buddy, get Omri here right away. He’ll sort things out.”

“Sorry sir, but Omri is on his way to prison.”

“To prison,” exclaims Sharon. “For that nonsense! I don’t believe it. I need a lawyer quickly. Wake up Klagsbald.”

“Klagsbald is also on his way to jail,” clarifies Shmil. “He got into an accident, wasn’t paying attention, and killed a young mother and her little son.”

“Get me Yitzchaki, then. Avigdor always knows how to squeeze our way out of these things.”

“Sorry to inform you sir, but there are accusations that Yitzchaki was giving illegal consultations on income tax.”

“It can’t be. I know Avigdor. They’re framing him. Get me the chief of police!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but Karadi is involved with an investigation.”

“He should be, he’s a police officer.”

“No sir, this is an investigation of him.”

Sharon takes a deep breath. “It can’t be that our justice system has just broken down. We need to get Karadi and Yitzchaki out of this. Get the minister for internal security. Tzachi, right?”

“Sir, there have been indictments passed on Hanegbi on various counts of bribery and deception. He is no longer the minister for internal security.”

“What about the justice minister? Who did Olmert appoint?”

“Chaim Ramon

“So get him in here!”

“Sorry, sir, there are indictments against Ramon as well for indecent acts.”

“What? Let’s go straight to the president. Get Katzav. He’s still the president, right?”

“Sorry to inform you, sir, but Katzav has recused himself. He’s been charged with the rape and sexual harrassment of five women, as well as illegal wiretapping.”

“Ah, that Katzav. I always thought he was a close talker. Listen, this is a terrible situation (lit. “on the face”). I need the Chief of Staff, Bugi. Oh, sorry, Halutz. He’s OK, right?”

“Halutz has stepped down, and a replacement has yet to be officially appointed. There was this stock thing, but there’s nothing criminal about that. His main problem was the Lebanon War.”

“But during the Lebanon War he was a little kid, hardly a Cessna pilot!”

“The second Lebanon War, sir. You were asleep, remember? There was a war… we, uh, how shall I say this delicately: lost. But the PM asked that we wait patiently. Perhaps the victory will come along later.”

Sharon looked around; looked into the fluorescent light and around the hospital suite in which he found himself. G. the security guard was still asleep.

“What’s your name, by the way?|

“Shmil, sir.”

“And what is your job here?”

“Orderly, sir.”

“Orderly, eh? So do me a favor. Don’t ever tell anyone about this conversation.”

“You can trust me, sir.”

“I’m going back to sleep. Shana Tova.”


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